Category Archives: Mind

Don’t Trust Your Feelings: Somatics and the Pre/Trans Fallacy – The Interchange Blog

Don’t Trust Your Feelings: Somatics and the Pre/Trans Fallacy – The Interchange Blog.

It’s easy for counselors, and the people we counsel, to get stuck in our heads.Counseling as we know it originated as “the talking cure”. Over the generations, counselors have discovered how to use dialogue as a powerful medium for facilitating change in our clients. Even at its best, however, conversation can only get us so far. We are more than mere talking heads.

In a tradition that has long been top-heavy, the growing prevalence of somatics has brought counseling back into balance,adding much-needed weight to the body’s role in healing and growth. “Soma” is the body, and body-oriented work takes us places talking never can, but just like mind-oriented work, it has significant limitations.

For those of us in the world of counseling who strive to live fully embodied lives, somatics has seemed like such a godsend that we can fail to recognize its limits. A practice that was once top-heavy can instead become headless, too much talking and thinking tipping over to become too much sensing and feeling. People get somatics happy and lose their balance.

This swing of the pendulum too far in the other direction happens when somatics supporters fall prey to a particular fallacy, elevating somatics to a transcendent position above the mind, instead of down below it where the body belongs. To understand how this fallacy, the pre/trans fallacy, grabs onto those of us who are proponents of somatics, we first have to take a moment to get embodied.

Why Counseling Needs Somatics

Human beings are physical creatures.Everything we’ve every experienced, we’ve experienced through our bodies. Despite our basic somatic nature, however, not all of us are equally embodied.

Most of us were raised in disembodied communities that devalued inner knowledge, emotional development, and present-time awareness. For instance, how many people do you know that learned to breathe in kindergarten? Basic instruction in breathing can help people develop the ability to calm or energize themselves at will, to tolerate strong emotions, and to stay rooted in the present moment. Nonetheless, we fail to teach our children how to take conscious control of their breathing. That kind of instruction doesn’t fit in a mostly-disembodied school system. Physical education exists in our schools, emphasizing important physical capacities such as strength, endurance, and coordination, needed for competitive athletics, but it tends to leave out everything else: inner sensory awareness, subtle energetics, all the many relational aspects of embodiment, and the embodied aspects of relationship.

Embodiment, as a result, is underdeveloped in many of us, and so somatics can fill in a wide range of missing developmental capacities. When counselors develop somatic awareness, and when we teach it to our clients, it provides at least three massive benefits to the counseling process.

  1. Trauma and emotional injury are not primarily cognitive experiences. Emotional hurts live in the muscles of the body, and in patterns of activation of the nervous and endocrine systems. Bypassing the content and meaning of emotional injury, instead directly addressing its somatic roots, can make healing more efficient and more thorough.
  2. The body provides numerous easy access points to the deeper levels of human experience. Attention to gesture, posture, facial expressions, voice intonations, and breathing allows us to attune to our clients’ inner experience. Directing our clients to strategically alter these non-verbal expressions, as well as working with movement, body symptoms, touch, and other kinds of physical contact, provides a repertoire of powerful interventions to explore and alter a person’s inner world.
  3. Teaching clients to track their “felt sense” experience, the constant stream of inner and outer sensations, opens them to learn essential somatic resources. For instance, we can teach people to self soothe, to become more grounded, or centered, or empowered, to sense and establish boundaries, to identify their needs and tell when those needs have been met, to follow or inhibit impulses, to sense their connection with others and deepen that connection, etc. All of these resources have strong somatic components.

Somatics opens up a new developmental world, especially to people who missed these developmental pieces growing up. It is akin to training a person who has never developed their mind in the arts of perception, memory, logic, language, and lateral thinking. If you have been stuck in your life and stuck in your head, somatics can expand your world. If you have tried to work on yourself in counseling by thinking and talking, but failed to get where you wanted to go, somatics can be the vehicle that gets you there.

If the head has been the problem, the body seems like the solution, but it isn’t. This is where the confusion begins. Rationality has its limits, especially when it comes to re-organizing a person’s inner experience, one of the basic goals of counseling. It seems that the way beyond these limits comes from embracing the non-rational, but it isn’t. Welcome to the pre/trans fallacy.

Somatics and The Pre/Trans Fallacy

The non-rational dimensions of human experience are divided into two categories, those which are below rationality on the ladder, and those which are above it. We commit the pre/trans fallacy (a concept introduced by psycho-spiritual philosopher Ken Wilber) when we collapse the pre-rational and the trans-rational into a single non-rational heap. Somatics is the realm of the pre-rational. Enamored with their newfound somatic abilities, many counselors, and the people they counsel, elevate somatics to the realm of the trans-rational, assuming that because it is non-rational, somatics must belong up on the pedestal of spirituality and higher development. This gets them into trouble.

To understand the origins of the trouble, a Wilberian-type diagram will help. Think of a person as a series of concentric spheres.

Each sphere includes everything within its nested spheres, and also transcends them.In the center is the body, where we begin: our physical, animal, biological nature, felt sense experience. The next level out is the emotions. Emotions include but transcend the body. Any time you’re feeling an emotion, you know what you’re feeling in part because of the sensations you have in your body, the physiological dimensions of the emotion. But emotions are more than just physical. The mind, the next level out, includes but transcends the body and emotions. We can focus our thoughts on body sensations and emotions; we can include the information we glean from our physical and emotional bodies in our thinking. But the mind is more than just physical and emotional. The witness is the next level out. If the mind is the mental organ, the witness is the spiritual organ. In fact, “spirit” could be included on this level, but I don’t want to lose my readers who are committed to a more mundane, secular perspective on the world, so I’m sticking with “witness”. You are able to witness your thoughts in the same way you can witness your sensations and emotions. Whatever is doing the witnessing therefore includes but transcends the mind. It is at this level that people are able to stop identifying with thoughts, feelings, and sensations, recognizing they are more than all of these put together.

These nested levels of human experience can also be divided into the pre-rational, the rational, and the trans-rational.

To understand the difference between pre-rational and trans-rational states, and why these states are sometimes confused, consider a couple of contrasts.

One contrast is between merging and oneness. At the beginning of our lives, we have not yet developed a sense of separate self. We exist in a kind of primordial fusion with our mothers, both pre-rational and pre-personal. Everyone begins this way. Later on, well after we acquire a sense of self, there is a stage of spiritual development, which only some people reach, superficially similar to this early merged state. In this advanced stage, the illusory nature of the separation between what is perceived as self, and what is perceived as other, becomes more and more apparent, producing empathy, compassion, and an experience of oneness with everything: both trans-rational and trans-personal. These two states, merging and oneness, are profoundly different. If you are caught up in a fused state of codependence with your romantic partner, boundaryless, unable to be happy unless they are, which of these two states do you imagine yourself to be in? I would bet you’re hanging out in the pre-rational. They’re not the same.

Another contrast is between intuition and integration. People love their intuitions, but an intuition is really just a sense of something that you have without understanding where it came from. This lack of understanding is an indicator that we are talking about a pre-rational state, and intuition, as often as not, is just a synonym for felt sense experience. As a San Francisco resident, this is a good place for me to mention that early on Ken Wilber referred to the pre/trans fallacy as “415 syndrome”, 415 being the area code of San Francisco. Here, perhaps more than anywhere, people revere intuition and other pre-rational forms of knowing as if they are states of spiritual attainment. Contrast this with someone who has integrated their somatic, emotional, and rational development and who has attained a level of understanding that transcends these levels. Such a person might be able to offer a rapid, synergistic insight that superficially looks like felt sense intuition. When pressed, however, they could back up and present the logical steps that led to their conclusion, demonstrating that higher faculties, not just the lower ones, contributed to the insight.

These contrasts, between merging and oneness, and between intuition and integration, demonstrate common confusions between pre-rational and trans-rational states. Imagine what would happen if, instead of mere confusion, reverence for pre-rationality was codified into a system for living.

Pitfalls of Somatics

Rediscovering the felt sense can be a revelation. All along, beneath the numbness or dissociation of disembodiment, the felt sense has been available as a constant stream of invaluable information. Uncovering this source of information makes all manner of things possible that weren’t before. For instance, someone who has struggled with indecision can now use the felt sense to help them evaluate their options. Some things feel wrong, others feel right; imagining taking one path leads to feelings matching those of poor decisions in the past, while imagining the other path leads to feelings like those that have accompanied times when life was better. As a person’s sensitivity deepens, these feelings provide ever more nuanced information about which path to take. This newfound sensitivity is so fascinating and exciting, that the person who develops it wants to use it for everything.

Unfortunately, the felt sense is a terrible guide to making decisions. Sensations and emotions are constantly shifting and changing. Important decisions should never be based on sensations and emotions, but instead on something more stable. The felt sense provides a key source of information, one that should be integrated with other sources of information to result in a decision backed by sound thinking. However, if you’ve been over-analyzing decisions your whole life and getting nowhere, the felt sense feels like the way to come back to life, and it is. Following the felt sense will lead to greater aliveness, but integrating the felt sense with well-developed rationality will lead to more holistic and sustainable decisions.

One strength of the somatics movement has been in the area of healthy, secure attachment. In cultural communities where the effects of violence and oppression are passed on from one generation to the next, which is pretty much all of them, our early relationships can be disrupted. This produces a population of people who struggle to form healthy, sustainable bonds. Relationships can feel unsafe, intimacy can produce anxiety, and people can oscillate between codependency and isolation. A somatic approach to relationship counseling often helps people establish the sense of secure connection they missed out on early in life. For instance, someone who is unable to bond with a romantic partner can develop that capacity, learning how to sense their connection to someone and to strengthen that sense of connection. Imagine the relief that can come from deeply sensing your connection to someone, and feeling safe with them, if you’ve never been able to sense that before. It can go far to solidify an unstable relationship.

Unfortunately, the existence of a bond between two people should not be the determinant of whether they remain in a relationship. Bonding is a necessary but insufficient condition for relationship. Determining whether a relationship makes sense occurs somewhere in the nexus of attachment, differentiation, and a host a variables that determine relational compatibility and sustainability. A newfound ability to bond, however, is so powerful it can become a person’s primary guide to action, saving them from old forms of relational dissatisfaction, only to introduce them to new ones. Instead, the sense of connection, or lack thereof, needs to be reduced back down to a valuable source of information, but only one of many sources that need to be integrated to make relational decisions. Ultimately, the ability to create meaningful bonds of all kinds, most of them non-romantic, may be a trans-rational capacity. Such a capacity can never be developed without first filling in the missing developmental ability to attach to one person. Secure attachment is the root. Don’t confuse it with the whole tree.

Somatics has been at the vanguard of trauma healing. Understanding of the physiology of shock and of overwhelm has led to somatic healing approaches. Clients can learn to slow down an otherwise overwhelming felt sense experience, to draw on learned somatic resources to make aversive feelings and memories more tolerable. Instead of getting overwhelmed or shutting down in response to traumatic memories, this slow approach, balancing challenging feelings with supportive resources, a bit at a time, allows people who have been badly hurt to release painful emotions and reorder their disorganized nervous systems. Even here, however, we need to remember that humans are not just bodies and emotions. The failure of analysis to produce healing has led many people to believe that it is only through the body that healing can happen. But remember, somatics just fills in missing, early developmental resources.

While it is true that healing cannot happen without somatic resources, it is also true that healing cannot happen without including the dimension of meaning-making through which humans make sense of our worlds. Even if you help a person who has experienced abuse to metabolize their terror, to stop contracting or shutting down in the face of intimacy, and to breathe deeply and sense their own power instead, they are still left with an entire ecology of faulty beliefs amassed over the years in which the trauma was locked in the body. Disentangling the beliefs (about whether people are trustworthy, about how vigilant they need to be, about whether it was their fault that they got hurt, etc.) will always still be necessary. Neither understanding alone nor somatics alone is enough. These levels need to be integrated for true healing to take place.

Integrating Somatics with Higher Development

Filling in missing developmental capacities, and strengthening weak ones, is a primary activity of counseling. Acquiring a new developmental ability, like the tracking of felt sense experience, or the ability to securely attach to someone, can change a person’s world dramatically. Somatics excels at helping people complete missing pieces of early development.

Let us, however, let soma be soma and nothing more. It’s so exciting to get our bodies back, and it should be, but taking up permanent residence at the lower levels of human development will not help us to integrate the pre-rational with the rational. Until such an integration occurs, the worthy goal of trans-rational development will be beyond our reach.

“You have to be somebody before you can be nobody.” Buddhist psychotherapist Jack Engler gave us this memorable sound bite. Higher development, and cultural evolution, requires that we transcend the flawed model of separate self. Like all developmental processes, this one requires steps in a particular order. To move through the world as an integrated person, you must develop a strong, stable sense of self. If you never developed basic somatic and emotional capacities, you’ll need these. If you never developed the capacity to think, you’ll need that too. A healthy ego, and a strong sense of self, requires embodiment, emotional self-awareness, and clear thinking informed by the somatic and emotional levels of our experience. Integrating these three levels is a prerequisite to be able to go beyond them. With a strong sense of self as a stable foundation, a more complete model of being human can develop and a larger self can be born.

Development never ends. Transcending rationality, and becoming our larger selves, is a developmental goal many people never reach. Somatics helps us prepare the ground. Don’t confuse it with the sky.

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How to Stop Lying to Yourself

I used try to convince myself that I didn’t want to have sex. Yeah, it sounds weird, but it’s true.

At least in very specific contexts it was true. Like girl-in-my-bed-with-her-shirt-off-at-3AM type of contexts.

This was back in like 2005 or 2006. My ex-girlfriend had recently ripped my heart out of my chest and carved it up with a steak knife, and suddenly semi-naked girls in front of me had the magical effect of making me not-so-interested in sex anymore.

[click the link to keep reading]

How to Stop Lying to Yourself

sprungtulips: This is a reblog from postmasculine.com…a self help site for men, very interesting articles!


A Gestalt Update

I have picked up The Alphabet Versus the Goddess by Leonard Shlain again after finding it in an old box of my books. The book explores how the transition from images to words has caused masculine energy to be favored over feminine energy.

Here is a quick thought to consider for this blog: seeing the whole rather than the parts (i.e. gestalt) is a feminine principle…when I break my gestalt into Body, Heart, Mind, and Self…I am not using a feminine perspective. Knowing this, I may now take a more holistic view and explore how to write more femininely?


Socrates on Self-Confidence – Philosophy: A Guide to Happiness

This six part series on philosophy is presented by popular British philosopher Alain de Botton, featuring six thinkers who have influenced history, and their ideas about the pursuit of the happy life.

Episode 1: Socrates on Self-Confidence – Why do so many people go along with the crowd and fail to stand up for what they truly believe? Partly because they are too easily swayed by other people’s opinions and partly because they don’t know when to have confidence in their own.

[sprungtulips: Here is a fresh look on the teachings of Socrates, offering us a way to feel more confident as we go against the crowd and forge our own path. Be your own authority, don’t just be a follower]


How Do We Know HOW to Fall in Love?

Is it any wonder we have a hard time determining who to love if we have never been in a relationship that led to commitment and marriage? How are we supposed to know what we want and need in a partner when we have never had the “right” one?

If we cannot truly know what the right partner looks until we have it already…maybe this is the wrong angle to take. I have wanted every partner I have evet had to be the right one…but they we appeared to have disagrees. Was I therefore wrong about my feelings? Is it just luck when you find someone who feels the same way at the same time?

We have to believe in our partners, believe they know what it means when they say, “I love you.” Even if our love ends before forever, we have to somehow trust ourselves and our partners. How do we learn this?

Love is indescribable. Love is not teachable from textbooks and chalkboards. Learning to love is a rite of passage; one that we all must go through alone. But how do we know we have got it right? Just like climbing a mountain, there are many false peaks to love.

As we are thrown into this trial by fire, the hardest challenge is to build our ability to trust ourselves. Advice and how-tos are everywhere; all professing to know the secret. How tempting it is, though, to want to help people find the light of love once you yourself have found it! It seems that you truly cannot hurry love, but you can make the road much more confusing.

Our knowledge of love may need to be built up over time like a stalactite. Unconsciously, knowledge has been filtering in from our own families and from the media. These thoughts and beliefs influence how we maneuver through the obstacles we will all face.

In the spring of our loving lives, we begin slowly, with beautifully irrational crushes; obsessions with some boy or girl in class who we get nervous around, dream about and stare at way too often. Without knowing it, we have begun our journey. It seems natural to start loving with this innocent romanticism.

This love is about developing our emotional hearts, exercising our love muscles. Looking back at my school-age crushes, my feelings were more about me than anything the boys were or did. It was one-sided practice love.

Teenage dating is practice of a different kind. Mutual attraction and affection allow basic exploration of the acts of love. We learn to kiss, hold hands, spend time together as more than friends, and, most importantly, how to communicate our love to our partner. By trying these first two-sided partnerships we experiment with what works and what feels good.

Are we really ever compatible because of shared interests or how we like to spend our Friday nights? Or is it just that we both decide to make the relationship work and be the best partner we can be for the other? My own interests change from year to year; my partners have all introduced me to new interests as well. I can adapt to spend my Fridays in new ways. So what is the essential element to a relationship that works?

Most romantic movies end with the first kiss, at the beginning of a beautiful romance. What comes after, Hollywood? What does it take to maintain love and commit to love? What are the characteristics of a husband or a wife that we should look for? I just want more than a passionate kiss.

So many of my married acquaintances speak about the ups and downs of marriage, complaining for themselves more than offering advice. I have never expected marriage to be utter bliss, but so many people seem to want out when things get hard. Our culture and times are making it acceptable to end relationships when they are no longer fun. Are we happier when we are unwilling to persist with our partners through the hard times and seek greener pastures or deeper pockets or younger breasts?

I just wish we could stop idealizing love by selling it short- by limiting the love stories we tell to the romance of the falling into love. We need more examples of love that lasts and deepens.

As I maintain an open heart to welcome another man who I can love, and by whom I can be loved, I am looking for one thing above all: the desire to actively participate in maintaining and sustaining love. I want someone who knows that love gets better with age, that love is much more than a first kiss.

I am not done learning yet myself, but I am putting aside as much advice as I can, getting in touch with what I truly want and trying to find a really good partner for myself…not just a good person, a good friend, or even a good potential father. Those all can be aspects of the person, but I took those pieces of advice too literally, and I have forgotten to find my own “definition” of Mr. Right may be defined differently and that too is part of this process.


Never Say Never

There have been many times in my life when I have said I would never do some thing or another. It could be something I had already done, but vowed to never to a second time, or it could be something that I believed in one moment would never be desirable to me in any future moment.

Here is a brief list of some things I vowed I would never do, and then did:

Wear make-up: As a child, I wrote and signed a declaration that I would never wear any make-up, and if I did succumb, my parents had permission to throw it all away. I never did under their roof, and I have tried to do it now, but I have stopped on my own, finding it to not feel true to myself. Ironically, my 14-year-old sister wears make-up every day and when I let her do me up, she does it better than I ever could.

Wear jeans: In middle school my brother and I both started wearing sweatpants from the boys section of the department store. These served me well in high school too, after my brother discovered the joy (or the cool factor?) of jeans. Jeans are a hard sell to someone who has been wearing soft pants every day. They pinched my legs everywear, and they felt heavy and stiff. In the summer they were too hot, but I was also refusing to shave my legs at that time of my life, so I just switched back to sweatpants, but allowed a few gypsy skirts and   uncool retro print pants for summer.

Trim my bush: Although I still vow never to get a Brazilian wax, I caved on this one rather impulsively, and have decided it is better. I have never felt ashamed of pubic hair, feeling more awkward about hairy underarms and legs…they were out there for all to see when I was keen at defying society’s standards for women to be practically hairless. The only people who would be seeing my pubic hair, wouldn’t care, or so I thought. I did not believe the first person who told me what a Brazilian was! And I was appalled at the landing strips of Playboy Bunnies, when I looked out of curiosity. I still fully believe that every person should wear their hair, both on their heads and on their body, however they see fit! I cannot believe any partner would expect or demand their partner to do something only for their own benefit. So like Caitlin Moran in How to Be a Woman, I believe in claiming my bush and being proud of it, so I can take the trim or not, but it is my choice completely.

Live in New York City: I visited NYC three times before I moved here. The first two times I had fun, but it was more fun to leave. My brother and sister-in-law had moved here, so I visited again for a third time. This time I had a friend living here as well, and my brother knew the place better, so I did much more awesome things. I soon saw how I could easily fit in among the many weirdos and maybe find some more like-minds. Then I took the plunge and here I am, paying way to much for everything, and having a blast!

Use a Kindle: I am a Luddite, and that is ok. I like my books with paper pages and covers, spines and bent corners. I wanted to resist the future, even as I revered Star Trek. My boyfriend bought me a Kindle, saying he knew I would never have gotten one for myself, but he thought I would use it. At the time, I loved him, so I believed him and gave the Kindle a chance. I am still skeptical, and find myself forgetting I have it, especially now that my boyfriend and I broke up. But, suffice it to say, I like it enough to keep it. Sometimes it is useful.

Get meditation: I tried to meditate in high school, but my mind was not tameable then. I just kept thinking about not thinking until I was all tied up in mental knots. The School for Practical Philosophy has presented me with something my mind could understand, but it was a trick! I meditated and now my mind is becoming tamed. If you set boundaries, the mind gets used to them, so now I am seeking meditation not as a mind, but as a being, a Self.

Although this list has its lessons too, there are other times I have thrown the “never” word down like a gauntlet, daring the world to test me. I have said I would never love anyone else, but X. When X left, I said I would never love anyone else, but Y! Stubbornly, I charged ahead. Y, too, exited stage left, I looked to stage right, for Z, so I could do it all again. I hope this is slowly starting to sink in as a silly way to love.

I am still tempted to make sweeping declarations, imagining myself as a king, raising my arm and addressing my devoted subjects, vowing that this, whatever it is, will never happen again! But I am not king of Never-Never Land. Although, I would love to say I will never make a mistake again, for there is a great sense of power felt when doing so, I  know will make mistakes again. My mistakes are what are teaching me all that I truly need to know.


Doing vs. Being…vs. Analyzing?

Recently, I have been reading the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu. A theme of integrating seeming opposites pervades: yin and yang, emptiness with the material…similar dichotomies come to mind, such as desire and action, and of course,  being and doing.

As I meditated this morning, I had many thoughts arise which I remember even though I was actively letting go of them per my practice. These thoughts concerned my past attempts to meditate and how I seem to get it now. It seems to me that I was not ready for meditation when I tried it in high school; there was no desire or need for it and it upset an established way I operated which I did not want to disrupt.

My Mind has dominated me for a while. I have striven to be more knowledgeable, more educated, more rational, even more open-minded…and it has gone too far. My mind had usurped my self-control. I had forgotten how to just be, and was beginning to forget how to do (making decisions was hard now)…but what I was good at was analyzing.

I was self-analyzing, analyzing other people, analyzing any and all problems, analyzing for fun, analyzing when I was bored…basically, I was analyzing myself away. I lost touch with my inner self, the calm, still, observing self.

My Mind had gotten too large so that there was no room for my Body’s needs, my Heart’s needs…and no ability to see all of these as parts of myself. Without being able to see all of myself, I was not able to begin my work to let go of needs and connect to the inner peace I now feel I have. Mind was not kept in check and balance, so I wasn’t in balance…and so now my practice is very important to me. It is hardest for my Mind to grasp what We are doing with our practice, and it fights against the new parameters I had to create.

My journey is good…my struggle is good. I now feel I can be, do and sometimes analyze with proper attention and control. That is pretty amazing!


Competitive Grieving

Note to Self:

A little over a week ago, I emailed my ex to see if he would meet me to have a happy closing to our relationship, see my previous reblogged post. With no reponse and some acquired inner peace, I decided to retract my request.

Last night, I sent him a somewhat wine-induced email that I hope read as beautifully poetic, but who knows. I wrote it for me, thanking him and speaking my one last piece/peace, then it was goodbye. I felt good when I hit send! My heartbeat was regular, my thoughts on good realities. Sleep came easy.

As I was scribbling notes for my book in Bryant Park, I got a reply from him. Instantly, my heart stampeded and my thoughts began to howl. I steadfastly returned to finish my thoughts on book, claiming my present once more.

Before I let myself read the response, I demanded an examination of my reaction from Mind. Dutifully, We identified thoughts and their effect, We agreed to eat some food to counter the caffeine jitters (which only aggravate anxiety!) and We came to see there was a competition afoot!

Without contact, I have been free to make up many stories about my ex which all basically assume he is worse off without me than I am without him. This has regrettably brought me satisfaction. So I want to think I am doing better than he is.

His response basically confirmed what I had thought he would say: he doesn’t need any closure from me like I was asking for from him. I was furious! And why? 

I have become competitive about grieving! I want to be better, faster…etc.

That is silly. I am so glad I took the time to write out my thoughts. Now I can remind myself to cease with this comparison and be happy for him and happy for myself. I have been moving on, and as my ex said, in my own way…but it is more important to focus on what I have gained now. I am good, my life is good and I have no regrets for how I have treated my ex. I forgive him and I forgive myself for all that needs forgiveness.

May we both be free from harm,
May we both be happy,
May we both be healthy and
May we both live with ease.

Self


Compassionate Dating?

Dear Heart,

Let me first commend you for taking the bold step of starting to date again! Well done! I know you were very anxious about dating again, because you prefer being in a relationship to searching for one. Let Us take a moment, to remind Our Self that attitude matters so much when dating. If you can approach dating with an excitement, thinking, “I may meet a great love today!” you can transform your dating jitters into something far more enjoyable.

I am not sure what part of Us can take responsibility for Our dreams, but We had a nightmare last week about this blind date. So many factors in the dream led to greater and greater anxiety before even meeting the date, so Our dream self was in no fit for anything…and We woke up with our physical heart thumping and the rest of Us very unsettled. To avoid having the chance to get anxious We scheduled the date right after a discussion of the Tao Te Ching (and I was actually a bit late as a result).

I came to the date, fully present and engaged, practicing Buddhism’s lovingkindness for this other individual who was seeking love. We were both searching for happiness, both for the evening and for our future. I came without expectation, without desperation, without a need to find a body to touch, or a heart to love. My attention was open, come what may.

So, Heart, you were open, but i also sense you were guarded in some small way…but no, that cannot be true. What I can see as being guarded is just less desperate and eager to find love. You were calm! It is amazing to see how you have evolved.

Our Mind was quite entertained and engaged by our date, wouldn’t you agree? The conversation flowed well and was deep while still being quite playful. Mind was definitely intrigued, but thankfully, not the only part of Us that was engaged…

A truly important feature to the experience of human love is physical chemistry. And, Body was not feeling intrigued by this date. Basically, Body was enjoying the wine and not expecting to be called up to bat on a first date. I had made it clear that I was not someone what wanted physical intimacy on a first date. Well, our date decided to kiss me, and We let it happen, but Body was shocked by the absolute absence of any feeling in response!

How many times have we all heard that the first kiss can really help determine if there is chemistry? I only partially bought it…I never had fireworks explode on a first kiss, but I have had bad ones before…but mostly I knew already that I was not interested before those former kisses occurred. Mind thought We wanted to see this man again, Heart was waiting to be more appealed to, but Body vetoed this poor man absolutely! Our kiss was so bad, that my lips did not feel like they were mine, and neither his nor mine felt like living flesh! It was too long for a first-date first kiss and it was not executed well. Our overall opinion went from an optimistic “there is potential here!” to a confident “there will be no second date!” in seconds.

Unfortunately, our first kiss was not our last kiss. He kissed me goodbye in the same way, causing me to endure it out of lovingkindness, but then having to laugh it away after I was safely in the subway station alone.

When this gentleman texted me eagerly this morning to ask for a second date, I had to reflect on how my open,genuine enjoyment of our time together could be perceived by a date as confirmation of equal attraction. I knew I had to refuse his request, but could not anticipate the task with joy. The truth of the matter was, I did enjoy myself, and I was glad to have met him. I think we had lots of things in common, but it was just simply and truly not enough for us to have a romantic relationship. I employed lovingkindness again in my reply.

I am curious, Heart, what you feel is the best way to date with compassion. There is so much advice that recommends being yourself when on a date, but in this world where love is so hard to feel on a day to day basis from strangers around us, I worry that my attitude of lovingkindness is not truly kind to the people who are misinterpreting it to mean I am really interested in them. Mind, is whispering these worries in my ear, so I am going to just say one more thing on this subject…mainly to Mind…

By practicing lovingkindness last night both my date and I had a wonderful night. By practicing lovingkindness as I told my date I was not interested in pursuing our relationship further, I received a very lovely and respectful response that seemed to only express gratitude as well. So my dears, let Us continue to practice lovingkindness, since it seems to be working just fine!

Kindly,

Self


Dancing away my cares!

Oh my beloved Body!

I am ecstatic for Us! We have finally found it: that dance we have been searching for…for so long. I rejoice with you, knowing you have found your way to connect with pure being!

5Rhythms is your meditation, isn’t it? You were so connected and present with everything you did…I was in awe of you, truly. It was a pleasure to observe you commit to every movement, to every rhythm. You were more alive then you have been in a long time.

But I also can now clearly see why you love sex so much. Sex and dance are quite similar, and not just in the somewhat perverse ways most people can conceive of…no, no- you, my amazing body, are so present in both of these physical activities. It makes so much sense now!

I can just see our Mind wanting to take this knowledge and strive to become a dance therapist for sex addicts, but let us remind Mind that this is about Body now. Oh, Body, you who are so quiet and unobtrusive…you are the shyest part of Us. You cannot understand how overjoyed I am to know you this way!

This is the missing part. We were seeking for this, believing we simply liked dancing like we did that one time in Olympia, Washington…but we were truly looking for the missing part of our practice!

Our Mind has some memory about meditation that involves the fact that it was “discovered” by a man and it is more of a man’s practice, whereas women are more attuned to meditate through movement. What rationally makes sense to Mind, resonates with me based on what I have observed of you, Body, during dance. You are beautiful when you move, and you are simply more beautiful when you move uninhibited by negative thoughts. You have an amazing ability to channel Heart’s strong emotions, containing them, sanctioning them while being in complete and comfortable control.

You are an inspiration to All of Us, so thank you yet another time.

In amazement,

Self


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