Tag Archives: closure

Competitive Grieving

Note to Self:

A little over a week ago, I emailed my ex to see if he would meet me to have a happy closing to our relationship, see my previous reblogged post. With no reponse and some acquired inner peace, I decided to retract my request.

Last night, I sent him a somewhat wine-induced email that I hope read as beautifully poetic, but who knows. I wrote it for me, thanking him and speaking my one last piece/peace, then it was goodbye. I felt good when I hit send! My heartbeat was regular, my thoughts on good realities. Sleep came easy.

As I was scribbling notes for my book in Bryant Park, I got a reply from him. Instantly, my heart stampeded and my thoughts began to howl. I steadfastly returned to finish my thoughts on book, claiming my present once more.

Before I let myself read the response, I demanded an examination of my reaction from Mind. Dutifully, We identified thoughts and their effect, We agreed to eat some food to counter the caffeine jitters (which only aggravate anxiety!) and We came to see there was a competition afoot!

Without contact, I have been free to make up many stories about my ex which all basically assume he is worse off without me than I am without him. This has regrettably brought me satisfaction. So I want to think I am doing better than he is.

His response basically confirmed what I had thought he would say: he doesn’t need any closure from me like I was asking for from him. I was furious! And why? 

I have become competitive about grieving! I want to be better, faster…etc.

That is silly. I am so glad I took the time to write out my thoughts. Now I can remind myself to cease with this comparison and be happy for him and happy for myself. I have been moving on, and as my ex said, in my own way…but it is more important to focus on what I have gained now. I am good, my life is good and I have no regrets for how I have treated my ex. I forgive him and I forgive myself for all that needs forgiveness.

May we both be free from harm,
May we both be happy,
May we both be healthy and
May we both live with ease.

Self

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Six steps to complete a relationship

Six steps to complete a relationship

Tips on how to end a relationship well, either with your partner or by yourself. I may attempt to do this on the blog, but first I have to consider whether or not to actually complete this with my former partner.


Turning The Page

A reblog from TheReporterandTheGirl, go to it at this link: Turning The Page.

What do we do when we want to see what happens next?

We turn the page…itching to get the ending of “a happily ever after” or dare I say: closure?

A few days ago, I had an impromptu phone call with a gentleman whom I dated. We were bantering a bit, and I mentioned that I was blogging a dramatical series about Jon*. After he took a look he said, “You know, I’m sorry for the way things ended between us.”

I was surprised he said that! I was not expecting any type of apology, especially from him. For the record, things ended badly between us–We both (or so I thought) liked each other very much– however I went to the hospital and when I came home he did not come to see me. So I took that as a major, “I don’t care about you, the way you care about me” RED Flag (I’m seeing those flags loud and clear now) and called it off.

I went through a milder grieving process. I was sad and very lonely– and at times upset. However, I couldn’t be upset at him because you can’t MAKE someone care about you despite your willingness to go to the ends of the Earth for him/her; but I blamed myself since I allowed my naive heart to care and love him so deeply. Now I sometimes wonder how did I fall for someone so selfish and inconsiderate?

After I hung up, I had to shake my head. At the end of our relationship, I had turned the pages obsessively searching for the ending that would give me peace of mind. Until I finally realized that I needed to write my own ending and give myself closure.

At the end of a painful breakup, we sometimes demand to have the last word or receive an apology–something that supposedly will help us move on. Does it really help or does it make you dwell on the pain more? Does hearing the truth finally set you free?

Well, before it came to the phone call– he did text me vaguely stating that if I wanted to talk, he would be open to it.  And it was very tempting to respond back if only the memories of hearing the post-break up truth didn’t haunt me (Check out Ch. 15 if you don’t remember).

Meeting Jon for lunch that day, I thought we would both get some kind of closure but instead he berated me and gloated about how much better off he is now that he doesn’t have to consider a relationship with me; how glad he doesn’t have to go down that route. The post-breakup truth may not set you free, but like me, may make you feel more guilt and agnst.

Now, this guy on the phone offers a vague apologetic-sentiment about feeling bad on how things ended and missing being able to talk to someone about the things that make him weird.

Ladies and Gents, this is isn’t closure. It’s not even a real apology.

At least not for me, but maybe for him. Perhaps he felt that by expressing his “feeling bad” about the break up (without specifically stating why we broke up–i.e why I wasn’t there for you) is enough for him to get closure and get something off his chest. For me, I saw a level of immaturity and self-centeredness that is pervasive enough to blind him from seeing the real problem.

Despite the fact that he let me down, I do not resent him and in general you can’t resent someone who doesn’t learn from past experiences. They are doomed to repeat the same mistakes with a different person through their own ignorance, not yours. Thus, you cannot expect an ignorant person to give you closure so you can move on. You need to do that for yourself.

In summary, hearing his “apology” did not bring closure. If you’re still turning the pages to find that heart-warming ending, you may be surprised to find a half-assed sentiment that makes that person feel better than you. And hearing their true feelings can set you back.

So when you stop look for those magical words — write your own ending:

“She lied and and cheated. Someone like that will never be happy with what they have. No matter how much you give.”

“He’s a deusch, he’d rather snort coke and smoke with his friends than help me/stay with me.”

And then you can move on a little easier.

And when turning the page isn’t enough –you just gotta close the book on it.

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Home and away

Beautiful image and words!


You Are My Home

Beautiful and haunting…makes me think for sure!

Thought Catalog

I remember the first time I heard your voice. I can still remember telling you how soothing I found it, how much it calmed me. It still does, even though we’re strangers. You’re silent, but your words are still very much alive in me. You are my home, even though the door is locked and the lights are off.

It’s not a choice as much as it is a beautiful nagging that’s nearly impossible to ignore. But I’m locked out, left to wander, and I’ve found myself here. I know I left in a childish fit, and you locked the iron gate so tightly; you had to. So I was left out in the darkness, just me and the shadows that haunted me, the ones that led me away from you to begin with. You left me outside to face them. You wouldn’t let me lean on you to deal…

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To my last, Lost Love

I am surprised at how fine I am without you as the object of my affection. For this broken heart, I’ve sought peace rather than prolonging suffering. I still feel for you often, and definitely miss you, but my feelings of love are fading to fondness, and my concern for your happiness has become more like pity. That surprises me, as it may you, but I strongly believe you have made the wrong choice for yourself by letting me go, you just don’t know it yet.

Of course, I am sure that now you feel quite confident that you made the right choice for your happiness; I have already witnessed your rewriting of what really happened between us in the recent past in order to justify your decision. But I still know you well, no matter how much you have disappointed me in this action, and I remember the rest of the story you seem willing to forget. So, my pity is aroused for you…I am so sorry you cannot discern the value our relationship had in your life. I just hope you learned something about yourself, and something about love, that can maybe serve you in your next attempt at relationship. I also pity you because I know my value, and you will be hard-pressed to find its like again.

When I was still torn apart from how you played me at the end (…I never realized how much pain comes from someone doing something that causes you to lose so much respect for them…until now), I actively wished you to experience pain and hardship. I sincerely regret that, and I am very glad I never lashed out at you when these feelings arose. However, the anger I felt was a valuable way for me to rebuild my power and confidence. Now, I can accept that your karma will take care of these matters for me…I can trust in that. I do not need to know the consequences that will befall you for how you treated me, but I can instead focus on how I behaved through all of this. 

I have had many strong and frequent emotions in the last two months as I thought of you, and I am sure you have also. We both can acknowledge the pain of breaking apart our love. I hope you had reason to believe I had anything but love for you, even at the end. As I now begin to move on, to find love again, I am comforted that I always knew I loved you and that I was willing to do the work necessary to compromise for us. I feel confident that I will love again and soon. And while I hope you eventually find love again, I first would wish that you were truly prepared for all that entails. So if you are still hurting for your sake, or for mine, take comfort in knowing that I fully accept your decision now, because I want someone who can love me better.

Sincerely,

this Heart


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