Tag Archives: grief

Competitive Grieving

Note to Self:

A little over a week ago, I emailed my ex to see if he would meet me to have a happy closing to our relationship, see my previous reblogged post. With no reponse and some acquired inner peace, I decided to retract my request.

Last night, I sent him a somewhat wine-induced email that I hope read as beautifully poetic, but who knows. I wrote it for me, thanking him and speaking my one last piece/peace, then it was goodbye. I felt good when I hit send! My heartbeat was regular, my thoughts on good realities. Sleep came easy.

As I was scribbling notes for my book in Bryant Park, I got a reply from him. Instantly, my heart stampeded and my thoughts began to howl. I steadfastly returned to finish my thoughts on book, claiming my present once more.

Before I let myself read the response, I demanded an examination of my reaction from Mind. Dutifully, We identified thoughts and their effect, We agreed to eat some food to counter the caffeine jitters (which only aggravate anxiety!) and We came to see there was a competition afoot!

Without contact, I have been free to make up many stories about my ex which all basically assume he is worse off without me than I am without him. This has regrettably brought me satisfaction. So I want to think I am doing better than he is.

His response basically confirmed what I had thought he would say: he doesn’t need any closure from me like I was asking for from him. I was furious! And why? 

I have become competitive about grieving! I want to be better, faster…etc.

That is silly. I am so glad I took the time to write out my thoughts. Now I can remind myself to cease with this comparison and be happy for him and happy for myself. I have been moving on, and as my ex said, in my own way…but it is more important to focus on what I have gained now. I am good, my life is good and I have no regrets for how I have treated my ex. I forgive him and I forgive myself for all that needs forgiveness.

May we both be free from harm,
May we both be happy,
May we both be healthy and
May we both live with ease.

Self

Advertisements

The Behavioral Economic Position on Whether You Can Get Your Ex Back

To the Irrationality which is is in all of us,

In my wonderful Coursera.org class taught by Dan Ariely, we learned about the “endowment effect,” which describes how ownership automatically ups the value of something. An example was given that if there was an extremely popular but sold-out event, the ticket holders are likely to set an extremely high monetary value for their tickets, whereas other people who wanted to attend just as much would normally set a much lower monetary value as the maximum they would spend to get a ticket from a current ticket holder.

Both groups would explain their reasons in terms of what they do have. The ticket holders would emphasize how amazing and important attending this game will be for them, helping reinforce its value to them. The would-be ticket buyers would rationalize in terms of saving their money, so maybe they could watch the event on television and pay less for refreshments, thus solidifying this as the the best option.

When I proposed breaking-up to my ex-boyfriend, he was at first extremely agitated and passionate that we try to work things out. He was focused on losing me; I was something he had, or had “a girlfriend.” I was on the fence at this point, so we tried to work it out. We couldn’t keep it going like we wanted it, so we broke up; it was mutual. We both suffered the loss of something we had during this time. I had loved having “a boyfriend” and thought he was an amazing person…yet here we were.

After a bit, I missed him too much and told him I wanted to get back together. He also missed me, but thought he shouldn’t be in a relationship for reasons I do not know. We tried to be friends. I wanted him still, or maybe I was still feeling “loss aversion,” another economics term that refers to how we are more affected by loss than we are by gain (in respective directions). I think we both were feeling averse to loss. 

However, when I brought up this issue again about getting back together, my ex had been having lots of free time which he could spend without worrying about me. He now would have to give up something to get back together with me. So feeling the endowment effect, he decided to not rekindle our relationship once and for all.

Perhaps, there is a window of opportunity, or perhaps there is a strategy of being so awesome and wonderful that he only feels the loss of you and not the gain of anything else, but I do not advise scheming when you have asked and received a clear answer. Just go deal with your loss aversion, and start to think about what you have been endowed with now that HE is gone!

A Mind full of connections


High Quality Crying

High Quality Crying

Wow, I needed to read this!

Excerpts from the reblog itself:

It’s hard being a person, and the stresses and pressures periodically just become too much for us. Crying is a helpful release mechanism, bypassing our beliefs that we have to hold it all together and giving us a chance to break down and get help.”

It’s not hard to support someone when they’re crying. All you need to do is offer comfort and safety at the same time as you encourage them to feel whatever they need to feel.”


Turning The Page

A reblog from TheReporterandTheGirl, go to it at this link: Turning The Page.

What do we do when we want to see what happens next?

We turn the page…itching to get the ending of “a happily ever after” or dare I say: closure?

A few days ago, I had an impromptu phone call with a gentleman whom I dated. We were bantering a bit, and I mentioned that I was blogging a dramatical series about Jon*. After he took a look he said, “You know, I’m sorry for the way things ended between us.”

I was surprised he said that! I was not expecting any type of apology, especially from him. For the record, things ended badly between us–We both (or so I thought) liked each other very much– however I went to the hospital and when I came home he did not come to see me. So I took that as a major, “I don’t care about you, the way you care about me” RED Flag (I’m seeing those flags loud and clear now) and called it off.

I went through a milder grieving process. I was sad and very lonely– and at times upset. However, I couldn’t be upset at him because you can’t MAKE someone care about you despite your willingness to go to the ends of the Earth for him/her; but I blamed myself since I allowed my naive heart to care and love him so deeply. Now I sometimes wonder how did I fall for someone so selfish and inconsiderate?

After I hung up, I had to shake my head. At the end of our relationship, I had turned the pages obsessively searching for the ending that would give me peace of mind. Until I finally realized that I needed to write my own ending and give myself closure.

At the end of a painful breakup, we sometimes demand to have the last word or receive an apology–something that supposedly will help us move on. Does it really help or does it make you dwell on the pain more? Does hearing the truth finally set you free?

Well, before it came to the phone call– he did text me vaguely stating that if I wanted to talk, he would be open to it.  And it was very tempting to respond back if only the memories of hearing the post-break up truth didn’t haunt me (Check out Ch. 15 if you don’t remember).

Meeting Jon for lunch that day, I thought we would both get some kind of closure but instead he berated me and gloated about how much better off he is now that he doesn’t have to consider a relationship with me; how glad he doesn’t have to go down that route. The post-breakup truth may not set you free, but like me, may make you feel more guilt and agnst.

Now, this guy on the phone offers a vague apologetic-sentiment about feeling bad on how things ended and missing being able to talk to someone about the things that make him weird.

Ladies and Gents, this is isn’t closure. It’s not even a real apology.

At least not for me, but maybe for him. Perhaps he felt that by expressing his “feeling bad” about the break up (without specifically stating why we broke up–i.e why I wasn’t there for you) is enough for him to get closure and get something off his chest. For me, I saw a level of immaturity and self-centeredness that is pervasive enough to blind him from seeing the real problem.

Despite the fact that he let me down, I do not resent him and in general you can’t resent someone who doesn’t learn from past experiences. They are doomed to repeat the same mistakes with a different person through their own ignorance, not yours. Thus, you cannot expect an ignorant person to give you closure so you can move on. You need to do that for yourself.

In summary, hearing his “apology” did not bring closure. If you’re still turning the pages to find that heart-warming ending, you may be surprised to find a half-assed sentiment that makes that person feel better than you. And hearing their true feelings can set you back.

So when you stop look for those magical words — write your own ending:

“She lied and and cheated. Someone like that will never be happy with what they have. No matter how much you give.”

“He’s a deusch, he’d rather snort coke and smoke with his friends than help me/stay with me.”

And then you can move on a little easier.

And when turning the page isn’t enough –you just gotta close the book on it.

Tweet me your responses! @ReporterandGirl
Like or message me on http://Facebook.com/TheReporterandTheGirl

Follow me on http://ReporterandGirl.Tumblr.com and http://pinterest.com/reporterandgirl/

and Youtube


Let’s begin

Dear Heart,

I know you are hurting now. Your pain is justified and I understand that it must be. Your relationship was very valuable to you and many emotions were closely linked with your partner. I am proud of you for loving so deeply, so completely, because in all love and attachment their is the chance of loss, of pain.

Remember that it is not only OK to grieve, but it is necessary. You did not choose this end…you choose to keep loving him despite the risk of his pulling away. Your choice was brave, but now you have no choice. The facts are the facts, no matter how much your desire disagrees. He choose to close his heart to you, to know longer try to feel something he didn’t want. You took a chance, Heart, and you fell. Pain can be a learning experience, but regretting your choices will not bring him back. Go ahead and grieve, I will stay with you while you cry, but I will not pity you.

Heart, I will be the safety that you can rest in. I will not let myself be pulled down into your grief, so when you are ready, I can show you the way back. This life we are living is special, and we have the opportunity of experiencing it fully. Part of this gift is experiencing heartbreak. But I am so glad to have you in this life, because although the pain you can experience is very deep, so is the love that know how to cultivate so well. I am forever honored to have a heart like you that loves so much and so freely.

Take comfort that there is no judgment from me about how sad you are, or how hopeful. Feel free to develop new passions and new attachments. The roller coaster you take me on is exhilarating every time. Once you have grieved, I am sure you will go out into the sea of hearts and find another Love to love. Whoever he may be, he can not be as lucky as me, because I get to experience loving from the inside…I get to observe every palpitation you send through me, every act of compassion, every colorful feeling you have on your palette. 

Thank you for your big emotions, and for being the betting kind! Here’s to high risk for high reward in love!

Affectionately,

Self


%d bloggers like this: