Tag Archives: moving on

Things I’ll Miss About New York

Wonderful to think of how I will miss NYC, but when I still live here. Have fun in LA!

Thought Catalog

Recently, I decided that I was going to move to Los Angeles at the end of the summer after living in New York for five and a half years. I even wrote about it on Thought Catalog. My friends have teased me for announcing my departure six months before I actually move but it’s hard not to blow my emotional load. Leaving New York is something I’ve known was going to happen since the day I came here but that still doesn’t make it any easier. Despite everything, I love this beautiful nightmare of a city. It doesn’t have my heart. It has my dick.

Lately, I’ve been having a lot of “OMG, obsessed!” moments with New York. They creep up on me almost like a mugger once did in Alphabet City! (I got mugged by two crackheads before I even moved here but that still did not deter me…

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To my last, Lost Love

I am surprised at how fine I am without you as the object of my affection. For this broken heart, I’ve sought peace rather than prolonging suffering. I still feel for you often, and definitely miss you, but my feelings of love are fading to fondness, and my concern for your happiness has become more like pity. That surprises me, as it may you, but I strongly believe you have made the wrong choice for yourself by letting me go, you just don’t know it yet.

Of course, I am sure that now you feel quite confident that you made the right choice for your happiness; I have already witnessed your rewriting of what really happened between us in the recent past in order to justify your decision. But I still know you well, no matter how much you have disappointed me in this action, and I remember the rest of the story you seem willing to forget. So, my pity is aroused for you…I am so sorry you cannot discern the value our relationship had in your life. I just hope you learned something about yourself, and something about love, that can maybe serve you in your next attempt at relationship. I also pity you because I know my value, and you will be hard-pressed to find its like again.

When I was still torn apart from how you played me at the end (…I never realized how much pain comes from someone doing something that causes you to lose so much respect for them…until now), I actively wished you to experience pain and hardship. I sincerely regret that, and I am very glad I never lashed out at you when these feelings arose. However, the anger I felt was a valuable way for me to rebuild my power and confidence. Now, I can accept that your karma will take care of these matters for me…I can trust in that. I do not need to know the consequences that will befall you for how you treated me, but I can instead focus on how I behaved through all of this. 

I have had many strong and frequent emotions in the last two months as I thought of you, and I am sure you have also. We both can acknowledge the pain of breaking apart our love. I hope you had reason to believe I had anything but love for you, even at the end. As I now begin to move on, to find love again, I am comforted that I always knew I loved you and that I was willing to do the work necessary to compromise for us. I feel confident that I will love again and soon. And while I hope you eventually find love again, I first would wish that you were truly prepared for all that entails. So if you are still hurting for your sake, or for mine, take comfort in knowing that I fully accept your decision now, because I want someone who can love me better.

Sincerely,

this Heart


Tragic Faith.

Amazing how hard it is to forget the past pleasure, but now it is accompanied with pain. May grief heal your sorrow.

My Virtual Reality

My eyelids finally rested and gradually my eyes were comforted by the darkness. My body was finally about to taste comfort after lingering hours of frustrating attempts to fall asleep, but then I heard it. I heard my phone ring, it was 2 a.m. Slowly, I wrapped my fingers around my phone and with so much effort tried to open my somnolent eyes. I saw his name and all the questions in the world raced through my brain, and for a second the only thing I heard were my heart beats. What could he possibly want at this time? Was he trying to ruin all the efforts I’ve put into deleting every second of happiness I’ve breathed while in his arms, every tear of sadness that burned my soul, every heartbeat that emphasized that I loved him more than I could love anything or anyone ?

A simple text that…

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