Tag Archives: peace

Doing vs. Being…vs. Analyzing?

Recently, I have been reading the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu. A theme of integrating seeming opposites pervades: yin and yang, emptiness with the material…similar dichotomies come to mind, such as desire and action, and of course,  being and doing.

As I meditated this morning, I had many thoughts arise which I remember even though I was actively letting go of them per my practice. These thoughts concerned my past attempts to meditate and how I seem to get it now. It seems to me that I was not ready for meditation when I tried it in high school; there was no desire or need for it and it upset an established way I operated which I did not want to disrupt.

My Mind has dominated me for a while. I have striven to be more knowledgeable, more educated, more rational, even more open-minded…and it has gone too far. My mind had usurped my self-control. I had forgotten how to just be, and was beginning to forget how to do (making decisions was hard now)…but what I was good at was analyzing.

I was self-analyzing, analyzing other people, analyzing any and all problems, analyzing for fun, analyzing when I was bored…basically, I was analyzing myself away. I lost touch with my inner self, the calm, still, observing self.

My Mind had gotten too large so that there was no room for my Body’s needs, my Heart’s needs…and no ability to see all of these as parts of myself. Without being able to see all of myself, I was not able to begin my work to let go of needs and connect to the inner peace I now feel I have. Mind was not kept in check and balance, so I wasn’t in balance…and so now my practice is very important to me. It is hardest for my Mind to grasp what We are doing with our practice, and it fights against the new parameters I had to create.

My journey is good…my struggle is good. I now feel I can be, do and sometimes analyze with proper attention and control. That is pretty amazing!

To my last, Lost Love

I am surprised at how fine I am without you as the object of my affection. For this broken heart, I’ve sought peace rather than prolonging suffering. I still feel for you often, and definitely miss you, but my feelings of love are fading to fondness, and my concern for your happiness has become more like pity. That surprises me, as it may you, but I strongly believe you have made the wrong choice for yourself by letting me go, you just don’t know it yet.

Of course, I am sure that now you feel quite confident that you made the right choice for your happiness; I have already witnessed your rewriting of what really happened between us in the recent past in order to justify your decision. But I still know you well, no matter how much you have disappointed me in this action, and I remember the rest of the story you seem willing to forget. So, my pity is aroused for you…I am so sorry you cannot discern the value our relationship had in your life. I just hope you learned something about yourself, and something about love, that can maybe serve you in your next attempt at relationship. I also pity you because I know my value, and you will be hard-pressed to find its like again.

When I was still torn apart from how you played me at the end (…I never realized how much pain comes from someone doing something that causes you to lose so much respect for them…until now), I actively wished you to experience pain and hardship. I sincerely regret that, and I am very glad I never lashed out at you when these feelings arose. However, the anger I felt was a valuable way for me to rebuild my power and confidence. Now, I can accept that your karma will take care of these matters for me…I can trust in that. I do not need to know the consequences that will befall you for how you treated me, but I can instead focus on how I behaved through all of this. 

I have had many strong and frequent emotions in the last two months as I thought of you, and I am sure you have also. We both can acknowledge the pain of breaking apart our love. I hope you had reason to believe I had anything but love for you, even at the end. As I now begin to move on, to find love again, I am comforted that I always knew I loved you and that I was willing to do the work necessary to compromise for us. I feel confident that I will love again and soon. And while I hope you eventually find love again, I first would wish that you were truly prepared for all that entails. So if you are still hurting for your sake, or for mine, take comfort in knowing that I fully accept your decision now, because I want someone who can love me better.


this Heart

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