Tag Archives: women

Ambidancetrous: The Blog — Let’s Talk About Sex!

Ambidancetrous: The Blog — Let’s Talk About Sex!.

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Brené Brown: Listening to shame

Shame is an unspoken epidemic, the secret behind many forms of broken behavior. Brené Brown, whose earlier talk on vulnerability became a viral hit, explores what can happen when people confront their shame head-on. Her own humor, humanity and vulnerability shine through every word.


A History of Problem Solving: A Selection from The Alphabet Versus the Goddess

“Long before there were cities, books, and inkwells, there were clans, caves, and middens. Human societies were shaped by the exacting rules of evolution: losers became extinct, winners survived. The crucial module guaranteeing the tribes continuance was the family unit. All members prospered under this arrangement. A man was cared for by a solicitous woman and learned about the pleasures of playing with small children. A woman enjoyed the security she needed to devote her time to her offspring. Each gained a friend, lover, confidant, and helpmate. Children matured in a safe atmosphere guided by two caring role models. The tribe as a whole could count on the steady replenishment of both skilled hunters and pregnant mothers. This system works better than any alternative ever tried.

A husband and wife, over time, begin to resemble one another in physical appearance. The melding of their physiognomic features is also reflected, to varying degrees, in their souls. A woman’s presence in a man’s life tends to soften his hard edges, just as her proximity to him tends to stiffen her central core. A mate increases the possibility that each member of the couple will exhibit that difficult-to-define quality called common sense.

Men and women often arrive at conclusions and plans of action differently. Some situations are best addressed by focused, step-by-step “masculine” logic, while holistic, “feminine” intuition comprehending many components in a complex whorl is better in others. Couples benefit from having access to each other’s major hemispheric processes, which over time also strengthens their own personal minor mode. The blending of feminine knowing and masculine reason in each individual and each couple generates good sense. The wisest figure in the mythologies of ancient cultures was often a hermaphrodite- a male-female- such as Tiresias, a blind seer.

Humans belong to that class of animals called “social predators.” Their hunting strategy resembles that used by wolf packs and lion prides; all members of the social unit hunt in concert to kill prey. The protracted childhoods of human young made female participation on these forays unfeasible. The all-male hunting party came into existence in only our species and with it the ethos of the left brain.

The template for all subsequent male projects remained the original hunting party, the ultimate purpose of which was to kill. Therein lay the problem. When men began to spend extensive time in each other’s company, they amplified each other’s hunter-killer instincts. When the hunting party became an “army,” the prey became other humans. The result has been a historical record pungent with the acrid smell of fear, havoc, and death.

The greatest counterbalance to men’s death-dealing inpulse is to engage them in the lives of women and entangle their legs with children. The most dangerous result of these all-male cultures bereft of the input from women is the loss of common sense. The phrase “common sense” has several meanings. In one, it is the wisdom of all the senses, a holistic and simultaneous grasp of multiple converging determinants. In this meaning common sense is intuitive and is often the opposite of logic. In another meaning, it is the wisdom of more than one person. It is the result of the give-and-take of face-to-face conversation with another, which allows one to ‘hear oneself think.’ In this second meaning, common sense is wisdom generated ‘in common.’

Confronted by a knotty problem a person of turns to a trusted adviser, not so much to receive the solution as to engage in a problem solving dialogue. A man can resort to two entirely different advisers: his female significant other or another man. His interactions with these two most likely will be quite different.

There are certain conventions men generally obey when talking to each other. Dialogues occur in the light, with no physical contact, and both men are dressed, facing each other vertically. When a man consults his woman, it is often at night, in the dark, while both are horizontal in a position of repose, and there is frequently skin touching skin.

In both these colloquies, he talks in order to bounce his ideas off his listener and evaluate his or her response. The male adviser or woman confidante serves as his sounding board. Men, over many centuries and across a diverse range of cultures, would concur that in interpersonal matters, the best “sounding board” is often a soft pillow with a woman’s head on it. Further, this syzygy of skin, night, and goose feathers is conducive to sleep. A thoughtful person when confronted by a difficult dilemma for which others demand an immediate answer will frequently withhold his reply until after he has “slept on” it. By using this common saw, he tacitly acknowledges the vital importance of talking over the problem with his mate before falling asleep and then letting the right hemisphere dream its wisdom into his response. Come morning, horizontal thinking has worked its magic and the individual has arrived at an answer that makes common sense smile.

Men need the counsel of women to help them sort out what is important from what is folly. This need is particularly acute if the man is the head of a vast enterprise. In such situations the other men to whom he might turn for advice-those under him-will often have their own personal agendas, which may influence the opinions they give their alpha male. The wife of the alpha male is often a truer resource-sharing his life, her fate is intimately entwined with his. And the alternative kind of wisdom she brings to his problem make her counsel so uniquely valuable to him.

Few men who have enjoyed a good relationship with a woman would disagree with the proposition that a woman’s assistance in male problem-solving is indispensable. Eliminating her from the process greatly increases the possibility that a man might make a wrong-headed decision about matters of import. History books are filled with such examples.”

~Leonard Shlain, The Alphabet Versus the Goddess


For Love of the Effort?

The behavioral economics lessons from my online course this week centered on motivation. This lecture mainly looked at motivation in the workplace, asking what, besides money, induces people to work, because the reward of money is not enough for an employee. The conclusion was drawn that people become more attached to things, tasks, ideas into which they put some effort into creating. Wow! I, being metaphorically inclined, immediately saw a connection to feeling invested in relationships.

Dan Ariely, my professor, describes this phenomenon of increasing fondness and attachment for an object through being involved in the effort of creation as “the IKEA Effect.” He has shown that people tend to value and esteem things they made even when the process is perceived as negative or the created product is of poor workmanship. Through effort, value and meaning increase.

This idea of effort leading to attachment does ring true to me on many levels. I felt like I put a lot into my relationship, so when we broke up I felt all sort of pain. I thought things like: “What a waste of time!” “I gave him so much and look what he does!” So much of breaking up was about detaching myself from the relationship, letting go of ideas, thoughts and attachments of all kinds. I had been willing to work, to put in effort and so I was the one who was most attached…I was willing to love that imperfect man and nourish our imperfect relationship because I was invested in a relationship I was helping to create.

Did I put too much effort into my relationship, leaving not enough for my partner? Am I too independent and self-motivated that no one perceives how to put effort into me? I ask these questions rhetorically, knowing they are not exactly the right questions…but intriguing to consider if that is possible.

When Ariely casually made a glib comment that tasks should “play hard to get” to keep us motivated to work on them, I had a shocking realization. I finally had a clear explanation of that little relationship game of playing hard to get which I have often refused to do! When someone “plays” hard to get, the other has to extend more effort to win a date or a kiss! Hence, the love of the chase!

Now, as I wrote this, I wanted to put a woman and a man in those roles respectively because this is how it has been described to me…men love the chase, so women have to play hard to get. But here are two questions; (1) If men are motivated by the effort of the chase, what is the great motivating effort of the women? and (2) how does this play out in homosexual relationships? During my recent break-up, my mother, in an attempt to help me, asked if I had ever considered if I were a lesbian. And (alas?) I am not. Perhaps if I were, I could be the chaser, and it would not be to my detriment. This is not about men and women, but it is about masculine and feminine.

So let me throw a wrench in the equation. This way of looking at things conflicts with some of my newly-tapped-into philosophical wisdom. From reading the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu, various Buddhist texts, and the material from the School of Practical Philosophy, I am learning how attachment leads to suffering! As I just mentioned, breaking up was painful, and probably because of my attachment. 

So, now my challenge, my journey seems to be to learn to love while remaining detached; to be attached only after becoming conscious that I am already detached; to be yin and yang, feminine and masculine, both the receptive and the pursuing!

Playing hard to get intentionally to tease and entice a man seems incredibly manipulative. This is not the way for me. I do not believe all men require the chase, nor do I believe women must act demure in order to find love. However, I am a go-getter in many ways, tending to take charge and lead. My dad taught me to just go ahead and do something when you see it needs doing! In this modern world, women are losing touch with their feminine qualities and men are being emasculated as we all try to balance these two elements. It would be a game, a trick to simply act demure, whereas being demure could be honest if we have reclaimed the feminine principle truly. Setting out to accomplish a goal, even bagging a man with “feminine” wiles, is still, at it’s heart, accomplished with masculine energy. As long as I am trying to get something from a man, I will be competing with his masculine energy and negating my own feminine side. How do I remember my femininity? What form can effort take that draws on this more gentle, receptive energy? There is more to The Feminine than I realize, than we realize- so, let us all open up to how to reclaim the yin in this yanged-up world. Cheers!


Never Say Never

There have been many times in my life when I have said I would never do some thing or another. It could be something I had already done, but vowed to never to a second time, or it could be something that I believed in one moment would never be desirable to me in any future moment.

Here is a brief list of some things I vowed I would never do, and then did:

Wear make-up: As a child, I wrote and signed a declaration that I would never wear any make-up, and if I did succumb, my parents had permission to throw it all away. I never did under their roof, and I have tried to do it now, but I have stopped on my own, finding it to not feel true to myself. Ironically, my 14-year-old sister wears make-up every day and when I let her do me up, she does it better than I ever could.

Wear jeans: In middle school my brother and I both started wearing sweatpants from the boys section of the department store. These served me well in high school too, after my brother discovered the joy (or the cool factor?) of jeans. Jeans are a hard sell to someone who has been wearing soft pants every day. They pinched my legs everywear, and they felt heavy and stiff. In the summer they were too hot, but I was also refusing to shave my legs at that time of my life, so I just switched back to sweatpants, but allowed a few gypsy skirts and   uncool retro print pants for summer.

Trim my bush: Although I still vow never to get a Brazilian wax, I caved on this one rather impulsively, and have decided it is better. I have never felt ashamed of pubic hair, feeling more awkward about hairy underarms and legs…they were out there for all to see when I was keen at defying society’s standards for women to be practically hairless. The only people who would be seeing my pubic hair, wouldn’t care, or so I thought. I did not believe the first person who told me what a Brazilian was! And I was appalled at the landing strips of Playboy Bunnies, when I looked out of curiosity. I still fully believe that every person should wear their hair, both on their heads and on their body, however they see fit! I cannot believe any partner would expect or demand their partner to do something only for their own benefit. So like Caitlin Moran in How to Be a Woman, I believe in claiming my bush and being proud of it, so I can take the trim or not, but it is my choice completely.

Live in New York City: I visited NYC three times before I moved here. The first two times I had fun, but it was more fun to leave. My brother and sister-in-law had moved here, so I visited again for a third time. This time I had a friend living here as well, and my brother knew the place better, so I did much more awesome things. I soon saw how I could easily fit in among the many weirdos and maybe find some more like-minds. Then I took the plunge and here I am, paying way to much for everything, and having a blast!

Use a Kindle: I am a Luddite, and that is ok. I like my books with paper pages and covers, spines and bent corners. I wanted to resist the future, even as I revered Star Trek. My boyfriend bought me a Kindle, saying he knew I would never have gotten one for myself, but he thought I would use it. At the time, I loved him, so I believed him and gave the Kindle a chance. I am still skeptical, and find myself forgetting I have it, especially now that my boyfriend and I broke up. But, suffice it to say, I like it enough to keep it. Sometimes it is useful.

Get meditation: I tried to meditate in high school, but my mind was not tameable then. I just kept thinking about not thinking until I was all tied up in mental knots. The School for Practical Philosophy has presented me with something my mind could understand, but it was a trick! I meditated and now my mind is becoming tamed. If you set boundaries, the mind gets used to them, so now I am seeking meditation not as a mind, but as a being, a Self.

Although this list has its lessons too, there are other times I have thrown the “never” word down like a gauntlet, daring the world to test me. I have said I would never love anyone else, but X. When X left, I said I would never love anyone else, but Y! Stubbornly, I charged ahead. Y, too, exited stage left, I looked to stage right, for Z, so I could do it all again. I hope this is slowly starting to sink in as a silly way to love.

I am still tempted to make sweeping declarations, imagining myself as a king, raising my arm and addressing my devoted subjects, vowing that this, whatever it is, will never happen again! But I am not king of Never-Never Land. Although, I would love to say I will never make a mistake again, for there is a great sense of power felt when doing so, I  know will make mistakes again. My mistakes are what are teaching me all that I truly need to know.


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